Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
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HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[canadians at you, canadianly]
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Growing out my freckles.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.