Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
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It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I think they could have phrased this better
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
💯😂
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this