Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
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I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.