Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
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[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.