There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
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*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
*walks away with cake*
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
Narrator: The power of Febreeze