*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
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An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I donât know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but itâs definitely not, âWhatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.â
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to âput it in its place.â So, I looked at it and said, âDonât forget that youâre only a towel,â and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like Iâm crying
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can âforgetâ to charge you anytime I choose, right?
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. đđđ
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, âUgh! Canât we just order pizza!?!â
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I sure do wish I had âQueenâ energy rather than âstarving raccoon rummaging through a trash canâ energy but here we are
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they donât realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: Whatâs for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything