*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

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There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.


*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*


Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?


[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya


Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher


I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…


My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”



A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa


“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*


Narrator: The power of Febreeze