Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
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“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia