@Cornjerker78

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

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@ajax06

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

@RandomAntics

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

@aimlessamers

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

@surrealvehicle

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

@KyleMcDowell86

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

@Contwixt

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

@ericsshadow

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

@DannyZuker

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.