Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!


And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

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No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.


He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.


I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume


me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*


It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine


“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”



If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.


Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.