Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
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I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Yes, but it was never about money
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm