Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
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Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”