Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.