Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
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I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side