birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
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Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
True freaking story!
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!