Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
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Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Dammit Chief not again
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family