*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
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I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Me too
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Venn
The struggle is real
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere