• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
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Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
You are not alone 💚
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.