Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…