Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
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Where is that goddamn asteroid already
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?