birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
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Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.