[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
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You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
#Caturday
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still