Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.