[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
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me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*