Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
You Might Also Like
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”