[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
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Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money