Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
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ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?