BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.