Bit chilly again tonight.

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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.


Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh


HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.


{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart


How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”


Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?


Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.


Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.


Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.


Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.