@Ginjarella

Bit chilly again tonight.

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@Ivsy01

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

@Ygrene

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

@MichelleLoserby

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

@GingerHotDish

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

@sixfootcandy

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

@EdgarPoop1

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

@thegreatnanak

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

@shatty48

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

@KentWGraham

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

@WilliamAder

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.