Bit chilly again tonight.
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“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
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Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
OMG 🤣🤣
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!