Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener