Bitcoin. Toothurt.
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Monday Lisa
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.