Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.