Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’