*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?