*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
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The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.