*bites zombie*
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My birth announcement for our third baby
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
i- i did not expect this
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now