*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
You Might Also Like
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
mom gave me mine for free
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.