“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.