Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
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BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Denise please return my vape pen
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?