Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
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Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down