Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
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Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.
*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in