Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
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I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY