Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
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{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
August 8
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending