Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.