Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG 911: OMG
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂