Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Need this in my life lol
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*