@Scorpio1080

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

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@spotswoj

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

@Reverend_Scott

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

@kelkulus

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

@Kryzazy

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

@sixfootcandy

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@zachreinert0

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

@MavenofHonor

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

@Cheeseboy22

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

@sgeezy99

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂