Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.