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What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Unimpressed
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.