@TrinityMustache

Black Friday “markdowns” like

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@Marlebean

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

@sageboggs

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

@Try2StopME

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

@Izianikapani

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

@KrissiBex

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

@praisecheese

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

@DanMentos

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

@Reverend_Scott

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

@MelvinofYork

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

@JohnMayer

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”