Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
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Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Baller is short for ballerina
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.