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Bed should get ready for ME
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
crazy
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dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.