black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
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What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.