Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
hey, alexa
Girl, same.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.