Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
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Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
english majors be like furthermore
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!