[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
i actually laughed 😩
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.