Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
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People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
girls literally only want one thing..
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
he’s doing your taxes
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.