Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
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My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.