Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃