‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
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I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.