BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
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After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.