Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him