Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
You Might Also Like
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On