Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.